I recently received a reader question, which I have posted below with her permission. The question comes from another twin mom, Vadivu in India, whose twin boys turn two in January.
Dear Leigh, I really admire enviously the way you cheer with your kids. I’ve enjoyed every post of yours and I even shared those with my hubby who never comes into cyber world. At times, it would be quite surprising to know that some activities of Cam and Mason are same like that of Ammu and Arya…
Because I am a full time employee and missing my kids from dawn till 4.30 PM.. I have a small problem with them. Ammu is trying to get closer with Arya and would enjoy being with him. However, Arya shows some commanding character and likely to hurt Ammu if he refuses to obey him 
I’m so bothered about Arya and he is very young to mend. Leigh, being a perfect mom (as far as I know you/compared to me!), do you have any suggestions for me? This makes me worry a lot about them…
My best wishes for Mason and Cam…
~~~~~~~~
Vadivu:
Thank you for your question and all your compliments. My hope is that today you can get some options and help from all the other parents out there who have had similar situations with their children.
Ok – So here is what I understand from your question: it seems as if you work all day, miss you children and then when they are together they fight. It also seems that Arya has a strong personality and you are worried that he will hurt his brother if he doesn’t do what he wants.
Ask The Professional: My first thought would be to ask your Pediatrician. I always like to check with them on things I am struggling with, because they can tell you if this is normal behavior for their age, or if there could be something else underlying the behavior issues. Our Pediatrician is a great resource for information – even if they tell you a helpful book or article to read that could help you with your issue.
Time of Day: From a mother’s point of view I know that at the end of the night my kids get into more fights because they are tired. You are getting home from work at that time of day when my kids start getting grumpy. I am sure after working a very long day you are tired too. I try to put on calm music (like meditation music or classical) and it has really worked for me. Soon the kids start to calm down – I feel it makes a real difference.
Attention: Firstly I think it is amazing that you are working out of the home with twins. Working moms have the pressure to be great at work and then “perfect moms” at home. I think your boys are excited to see you after being away from you all day and probably want ALL of your attention, which can be hard on you. I know if I am on the phone or am blogging the kids will get into a fight to get my attention. I am wondering if this could be some of what is going on?
I think if you can it is very important to just play with each child separately so they can have their special “mommy” time. Or have one help you with cooking supper or doing dishes. My boys really love helping me – this also helps with their need to be independent!
With regards to behaviors – my one son Cameron tends to start a lot of the fights – he will go up to Mason and just grab a toy, causing the fight. Cameron is also the one who was biting Mason. I can normally notice when there is going to be an issue before it happens, but I don’t always get there in time to stop it.
As for sharing, this is a normal issue to be dealing with at this stage. I read in a book that with twins it is good to get them toys they can share andthen also toys that are just theirs, so they each gets one and they don’t need to share. I do sit right with them when this happens and try to tell them to take turns – each gets the toy for a minute or two. If this doesn’t work I take the toy away and give them something else.
Cooperating - wouldn't it be nice if it was ALWAYS like this?
When they hurt each other I separate them immediately, “try” to give time out to the one who hurt his brother, and then I give extra attention to the one who was hurt. It’s hard because Cameron just laughs and goes back and does it again. So I am still trying to figure out the best way to fix this situation. Mason and Cameron have such different personalities and it sounds like your twins do too, so what works for one might not work for the other. Does anyone else have any ideas?
Learning Skills: Lastly, even though we are born to be social beings, kids don’t get it right automatically. They learn to play nice by modeling our behaviors or those of their peers. I think as much as you should give your kids individual attention it would really be helpful to have them play together, with you there. This way you can intervene if something happens. You can also say, “Arya, you have to be gentle with your brother, because “hitting/pushing/biting” hurts.
If they have little friends you could have come over that might help too. Both moms need to be aware that at this stage kids are still learning, so there might be some issues but without the issues how will the kids learn?
I have given a lot of information here, but I believe you will find what works for you. It might be something here or something you try yourself. There is no such thing as a perfect mommy! I think we need to keep trying different things over and over and over – eventually we will get it right! OR just as you figure it out the kids move onto a different phase - then we have to start figuring out what works all over again! Just yesterday I was crying because I was so exhausted from lack of sleep and I was grumpy with the kids – so I am definitely not perfect! But you made my day saying that 
Remember: Always ask a professional so they can eliminate any underlying problems, be creative in your approach – try many different things, till you find what works. Be sure to give them special alone time but also time together so they can learn how to play nicely.
Oh – one last thing….. shower your boys with love and enjoy every moment because boy time flies!!! Soon they will be off to college and causing another woman some stress
Good luck Mama! Thanks for your question.
Anyone else think of something else for Vadivu?
I am far removed from that age and only have one but I think you gave her some great advice. An only child is pretty bossy too. I had to play with his toys like I really wanted to in order to teach him to wait his turn or share.
What great advice. I don’t have twins; my boys are four years apart but I still struggle with some of those issues. My 2yo has quite a strong personality, and he’s usually the one starting fights with his older brother! I don’t encourage that behavior, but I haven’t figured out how to stop it yet. Motherhood is a never-ending learning process!
Too true – we just keep learning and having to adapt to these ever changing situations!
very nice of you to share—I’m past this age with my kids (and hope to not be there again until grandchildren =})
such great advice!
Wonderful post! I enjoyed reading it very much. On my own thought…. Some mothers find it difficult to discipline, because they do not want to be “harsh” or “unkind” to their children. Enforcing boundaries teaches submissiveness. Setting rules trains a child to conform, avoiding the constant need to punish a child for disobedience. Even in the immediate present, the predictability of structured, consistent discipline makes a child feel secure and safe.
Good luck!
I’m having this problem myself- especially getting the kids to sleep in their beds
It’s so hard for me to be strict. I give up so quickly. I am working on being stronger…
You are right Sharon, I would take your advice. But its difficult to be strict with a kid like Arya. Though he is bossy, he is too sensitive on the other side. He expects me and his dad to be always nice with him, despite his activities. Else, he would cry uncontrollably and make me feel guilty
I think that it is important to remember that even though they are twins, they may have different ways of learning. You just have to figure out what works for you and your child/children and adapt your parenting skills to their way of learning.
I agree! Good point thanks Christy!
Awesome advice Leigh! My twins are past that age, but I have a 2 1/2 now and she is so bossy just being a single child!
What an excellent lot of advice! Twins must be so incredibly awesome, despite the challenges. I enjoyed your article and the cute shopping picture.
Spot on advice! And I think applicable to siblings of any age. Mine are 6 and 3, and we battle with the same issues. The suggestions you’ve outlined here work well for them too. Granted, the 6 year old packs a bigger punch than the 3 year old can dish out, and time out lengths change, but the attention part works just as well!
Thanks Gina – glad to know that these tips can be used for older kids
Try not to label them and do not let them overhear you referring to them as “the aggressive one” etc.They pick up everything we say. Also, catch them being nice and sharing and say, “Good sharing, Son.” I learned this from my daughter-in-law !
Expect them to behave. Laugh and hug and fall in a heap on the floor.
This, too, will pass. Time out really does work but it takes consistency, patience, and repetition….with some kids MUCH longer than you would imagine, but they do want to please you and they are all our good boys. Best wishes!
Yes Mollygram, I completely agree with you. Thanks for your tips.
Leigh.. I really appreciate the time you have given for responding to my post. Being a twin mom, I know how hard its to give time for friends, as your kids would keep you busy round the clock….sleep deprived and completely exhausted. Still you managed to give me these wonderful lot of advices… Your words has strengthened me.. Firstly, I should thank you for that!
Yes, most of these problems are because we miss each other till evening, and the actual problem starts when we unify. So, the tips you have provided as ‘Attention’ should work for me good!
Its always rah-rah when we are together, and playing calm music is a new thing which I never tried before. Lemme try it out with Ammu and Arya..
Though we are aware of these information in general, it is not helping me during stressed out time and makes me feel helpless. Hearing the same form an experienced person as a success story gives the confidence to get it go… Thanks for that!
Thanks every one of you for sharing your valuable thoughts and experience.
Yes, being mother, there is something to learn and share everyday. Striving to become a good mom, if not perfect altogether.
Happy to have you all in my life!
Wishing you all a prosperous New Year!
Anytime
We are all here to help each other!
You know sometimes I am in a stressful situation with my boys and I handle it the wrong way and when I think about it later I think… ” boy I should have done that differently” It’s one thing to know what to do but harder to remember when you are in the moment!
One song I love to play for my boys is “kitaro best of Silk Road” it’s very relaxing!
“best of Silk Road” is an wonderful choice.. thanks for reminding
Very good advice Twin Mum. So nice of you to share your time with others.